a line in the sand

years into this recovery business and i’m finally recognizing this body im in as good and capable

i am attempting to draw a line in the sand

to represent

the now and the then

to show that this is today and that was yesterday

but most days

it feels like all of the sand surrounding my line finds its way to seap deep, as if the line was never drawn

i am convincing myself that this is ok.

if i have to redraw the line each day,

that is ok

it has to be

on a day soon

my line in the sand

and all the sand surrounding it

will realize

that its presence is permanent

and the now

will scream: OH MY I HAVE BEEN HERE THIS WHOLE TIME AND I KEPT LETTING ALL OF THESE OTHER GRAINS GET IN MY WAY

and the then

will not

be able to scream at all

only whispers,

maybe, on days when my stomach is hurting and my knees are wobbly and too many numbers are surfacing to my center, the whispers will feel very strong

but the now will know,

that it is now, and it is no longer then.

it has a new name, and it will only be addressed by such,

no longer unworthy

(i am worthy)

no longer ugly

(i am beautiful, and my face may not tell me so every day. but i have noticed a beauty so much deeper than the shape of my nose)

no longer a disorder

(i am free. and that is the truest thing about myself)

no longer angry

(joy knocked on my door for so long and i finally had the guts to let her in)

no longer bitter

(i choose thankfulness because when i do my proverbial cup is overflowed)

no longer shaking hands with scarcity

(i am no victim. i am no poor man.)

i can feel it,

this line in the sand is

making room

it is giving my heart space to breathe, and just be where it is. it is giving my mouth space to open. it is giving my hands space to hold onto things that are good. it is giving my body space to fold and unfold.

i have been folded up for too too long,

and finally,

this line in the sand has given me a place to lay and rest and understand and notice and feel,

and be.

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Author: Elizabeth B.

Yo! I am Lizzy, lovely to know you. I like to write words.

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