I’ve decided that being me, now
, is a very strange thing to be.
Strange, awkward, slippery, messy.
Pieces of me lost, pieces of me found.
I was in the backseat of my best friends jeep and the music was as loud as it could get, and I was thinking about how, up until now, I have spent a lot of time thinking.
Thinking about what I like, who I like, how I like things, but
I have not actually decided.
I want to decide,
I want to decide and be sure of my deciding.
Here are some of the things I have decided:
- I am sure that Ben Rector makes the hopeless romantic in me seep out into the palms of my hands
- I am sure that I will probably rotate through the same four pairs of shoes for the rest of my life and still not get rid of the other 16
- I am sure that I do not like pants that are not tight around the ankles
- I am sure that I will continue to add to my “Want To Read” bookshelf on Goodreads and never read all of the books that i Want To Read
- I am sure that my heart is beating to write, and to sing, and to remind people to remember who they actually Are
- I am sure that this is hard
- and I am sure that this is worth it
- I am sure that I am afraid of responding to formal messages, ie. people asking me to complete something that requires them paying me, and responding to an email asking about how a company could improve. and I am sure that my heart will never stop beating too fast when I press send.
- I am sure that I like to dance
- and I am also sure that I will never do more than a cheeky little side-step number when in the presence of anyone else but myself
- I am sure that when I am by myself and god has decided to tap dance on my heart I am more me than i ever am and my legs move the right way and my heart beats the perfect number of beats
- I am sure that in a day to come being me will feel less strange,
I think that being me, now,
feels a lot more strange then it actually is, because who i am has been twisted with who i am not for most of my life and i am finally untwisting a very twisty — twist. I am beginning to see through the knots into the depths of who i, elizabeth, actually am, and it is quite scary.
It is scary shaking hands with yourself and deciding to be ok with the grip.
It is scary being me, now, sometimes.
- I am sure that i am ok with being scared because it means that i am growing.
It has to mean that i am growing.
- I am sure that i do not like odd numbers, so I had to add one last one to this list.